12 Sept 14: A 12 Step Guide to Caring for Your New RPCV

In honor of the two-year anniversary of serving my country in Africa, I've written the following humorous, yet dead serious guide to dealing with me when I come home in 36 days. :)

Only 36 days til pastries and cappuccino!

Disclaimer: I'm writing this based on my experience. If you're a PCV and this doesn't reflect on how you feel, I don't care. If you've not developed antisocial tendencies or parasites and this blog doesn't apply to you, well...aren't you lucky?

A 12 Step Guide to Caring for Your New RPCV

Congratulations on receiving your newborn RPCV, or Returned Peace Corps Volunteer! Your RPCV is a rare specimen, having earned their status with blood (and intestinal worms), the sweat of two miserable Kalahari summers, and enough tears to fill up a swimming pool (wait, what's a swimming pool?) "RPCV" is a badge of honor that your Volunteer will wear for the rest of their life. Please use this guide to care for your RPCV as they transition from their old, dirty life into their shiny, new one.

Ooooh America!

1. Your RPCV is going to be weird. Really weird. They've lived in extreme isolation for two years, often going weeks without having a conversation beyond superficial greetings with another human being. You might have to dig to get them to talk about themselves. At site, RPCVs don't talk about themselves unless they're in the company of other Americans. Most villagers lack the English vocabulary to have a deep conversation about feelings. And after getting enough "You don't have any problems. You're an American. You're rich. AND you're white." they stop trying.

2. Keep in the mind that your RPCV will have no idea what has happened with American politics or pop culture for the last two years. If you talk about current events, they will be lost. If you find yourself saying "Have you seen...Have you heard the new...?" you can stop. The answer is no, they have not seen/heard anything that has happened since 2012. Most likely, their contribution to the conversation will be limited to "One time in Botswana...In Botswana, I..." Your RPCV doesn't mean to be boring but hand washing clothes and picking thorns out of their feet are all that they've known for two years. They didn't have tv. They didn't have internet. When they had wifi, they spent most of their time trying to update blogs, return emails, apply for grad school, and file PC reports. Miley Cyrus' latest antics were not a priority.

Peace Corps Volunteers celebrate major holidays by making forefather beards from pillow stuffing.

3. RPCVs live in limbo (especially at first), a confusing place between being American and...something else. Somewhere between hipster and hobo. They're citizens of the US but also of the world. They've known what it's like to live without and they no longer need "stuff" to be happy, which makes them extraordinarily unsuited to life in America, not to mention hard to buy for. Because of the things they have done and the things they have seen, they are extremely sensitive. Not delicate. Sensitive. Please guard their feelings and be careful with your words. Understand that their awkwardness is not intentional, their reluctance to talk is not personal, they're just..new.

4. Waste hurts your RPCV. A lot. Complaining irritates them. Hasty generalizations about Africans will definitely piss them off. Needing a lot of alone time does not mean that they aren't happy to see you, it just means that they aren't used to constant social stimulation.

Waste not :)

5. Prepare a space for your RPCV to stash junk. RPCV's are hoarders because you never know when you're gonna need to make a toilet paper roll flower bouquet. Or when you're gonna need that two inch scrap of wire to fix a chair. They are the world's most resourceful people.

6. Your RPCV might pee in the toilet and forget to flush. For two years, their philosophy has been "if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." Gently remind your RPCV that in America, we flush every time. Old habits die hard.

"What do I do with this pee?"

7. Under no circumstances should you ever comment on the physical appearance of your RPCV beyond "You look great!" Contrary to what most people think, your RPCV did not have diarrhea for two years straight. Their diet likely consisted of carbs, carbs, and more carbs. Volunteers do their best not to sink into an abyss of depression and comfort eating is part of that strategy. Suppress your urge to blurt out "Wow! I didn't think you'd GAIN weight in Africa!"

Peace Corps Volunteers don't know what looks good but that's ok!

8. If your RPCV seems lazy, they're not. RPCVs become accustomed to a slower pace of life, often going whole days without "accomplishing" anything. This is normal. Eventually your RPCV will find a hobby and get a job like a good little American.

9. Your new RPCV may be a complete stranger to you. Chances are the remarkable experiences that they've had have changed them, mostly for the better. They may have different interests than they had before they left. Resist the tempation to compare your old friend to your new RPCV. The last thing an RPCV wants to do is have to explain/defend why he or she no longer enjoys hot tubs (too hot!) and fast food (their GI tracts become maladjusted to digesting that much grease in one sitting.)

10. Your RPCV may have sleeping habits which you find bizarre. If you keep in mind that Peace Corps Volunteers rise and set with the sun, you won't be alarmed when your RPCV goes to bed at 8 p.m. Try keeping them up with kettlecorn and the latest season of Orange Is the New Black, but bear in mind that RPCVs need their 10 hours of sleep, and probably a mid-day nap too.

Your RPCV might hang dry their clothes in the hotel bathroom.

11. Your RPCV may say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Pooping in a bucket for two years can cause a loss of shame on the part of your RPCV, thus making any bodily function fair game for casual conversation. When they discuss their bowel habits at the dinner table, don't be offended. Most likely, they're not used to eating at a table. Meal time is simply another opportunity to ruminate over the Bristol Stool Chart with the people they love.

12. Most importantly, keep in mind that no matter how hard you try, you can NEVER understand what you're RPCV has been through. Two years of chronic stress and not having their basic needs met has been hard on your RPCV. They have given of themselves everyday for 800 days. There may not be much left to give. They may have a meltdown in the cereal aisle at Walmart because they have become unaccustomed to making so many choices at one time. Be supportive and gentle but don't say things like "I know how you feel" or "It's just cereal! It's not a big deal!" Encourage your RPCV to attend events and socialize within your city's RPCV community. A good head rub also helps.

All shiny and new!

If you follow this basic guide, accept the fact that your new RPCV is NOT the same person they were before they joined the Peace Corps, feed them lots of protein and drip coffee, and encourage their sense of wanderlust, you will help ease the transition from hairy, dirty Peace Corps Volunteer to happy, well-adjusted RPCV.